Before you start to read, just close my eyes and imagine you were just looking for a Mitstreiterin. To organize a trip around the world or to write a book. Who would you ask: your best friend, your colleague? Or, now, please bring air: your mother? Could you good to travel with her and work-or do you fear that this crawl the ghosts of childhood from the holes?
MAREN Geiser Heinrichs and Waltraud Babs Geiser, 59, are a mother daughter team that works and not each other “must work off”, as both say together. Now they have published a guide to difficult mother daughter Beziheungen: “My tough mother” (175 pp., 17 euros, Klett Cotta.)
Daughter MAREN tells: “the interest in the topic connects us, we experience our different points of view as enriching.” As psychotherapists from various disciplines, the two daily see the opposite: the concentrated misery of other mother-daughter connections.
Peace, joy, pancakes? Of ways!
While the ratio of adult daughters to their mothers has never been better, current surveys, lay it as the “Pairfam” study of the TU Chemnitz close: 80 percent of young adults have contact with their mother at least once a week, two-thirds describe Ratio as closely, every second woman discusses regularly with her personal things.
But not infrequently deeper battles take place under the peace-joy sentiment borne out, which often not consciously perceive mothers and daughters. For example in the form of incursions by well-intentioned-such as, if the mother in the holiday period of her daughter without asking cleaning out the refrigerator or also the passive aggressive way: “Oh, you must not visit me, I’m so used to being alone.”
However: “The question of what actually constitutes a difficult mother, arises in each generation on the new”, Babs Geiser said.
Tough and cool-the mother of the war generation
Women in their own age group worked out especially on the mothers of the war generation and strive for distinction: “Many of our mothers have suffered trauma as a child and lost touch with their feelings.” Frequent result: hardness and cold ambition. Challenged the common woman role of the elderly to the rebellion: “Depending on, without money, without a job-we wanted to never be so!”
Demarcation is healthy
However, the now 30-year feel rather like they would run against a foam wall: “If the own mothers wear same clothes or dresses how to proceed itself and in the same bar, how should you differentiate themselves there?”, asks MAREN Geiser Henry. A healthy boundary is needed if one wants to lead adult lives. Because who does not abnabelt itself off, remains permanently on the mother-no matter whether he copied their lives or is extremely keen to do everything differently.
We share our experience as a child
What once shows more: our childhood experiences shape us for life and are passed down from generation to generation. Even though we long since grown, we unconsciously act according to the expectations, which we were exposed to as children. “Very tough inner voices can be like: only if you bring performance, you’re adorable.” “Or: the main thing that disturb me not”, so Babs Geiser.
Other childhood patterns sound less negative, can be subtly but similarly destructive. Example, if the message is: make me happy.
Children are pushed himself into the role of mother
Babs Geiser: “if women become mothers, which even many unmet childhood needs to carry around, a child is pushed slightly into the role of mother.” It cares, kicking off early, constantly assured MOM that she is the best. Mother daughter duo are particularly susceptible to this pattern without other siblings, or if the mother is a single parent.
The trap can snap but also in a larger family. Babs Geiser: “often, then adult women in therapy opposite who say sitting me: my mother thinks that we are very close, and I can’t breathe more years.”
Is Mommy really blame everything?
Clear yes. Although we inherit in fact a lot of our mothers. Not only dry humor or legendary recipes, but according to a recent study by the University of California also certain brain structures that influence our emotional life and we make as prone to depression. But firstly our mothers do this on purpose, and secondly research explains the mother no longer of prime suspect in all walks of life. “We now know that a child can safely be bound to multiple people, and that for example a father can compensate, if it lacks the mother on dexterity-even, if he spends less time with his child”, MAREN Geiser Henry explains.
This even applies to the generation of Office fathers who retires today. It would be unfair to lump sum to push its own problems of own mother in the shoes. That is after all only human.
Their own children as an opportunity for reconciliation?
A realization, the women often with full force hits, if they even have a child. And remember, how hard it is to meet its ideal. A chance again closer to come-because you can understand a lot better in retrospect?
Can succeed, but have not, says Babs Geiser Waltraud. “Either the understanding is growing and maybe it’s a good experience for both if their mothers in daily life is again used. Or, on the contrary, it old injuries are visible again, which burden the relationship again. For example: “why my mother is so loving about my child, she never was formerly with me?'” Maybe it’s because she want to do something good?
Why we can not replace the subject
But this is one of the sad truths: A painful childhood history shapes us too much that she simply overwrite themselves could be. We can maybe improve the relationship and raise to a new level-but make up for what at that time what we need, that remains an unattainable desire. But we can try to understand. And process.
Text: Verena Carl. An article from BRIGITTE 10/17