39 Weeks Lina Marie and I Am Not Ready

I am afraid of birth, fear that my body can not resist this challenge. I only become more aware of this for the last few days. Last Saturday we thought that it could now be so far.I had painful pains at intervals of about 2-3 minutes. I lay down on the couch and tried to breathe the pains, which I did not succeed very well. I could feel an anxiety in me almost hindering me. 
After a few hours the contractions became less and finally stopped.

Sunday evening it was back, feeling like it could go. An unpleasant sting at the mother’s mouth kept me awake half the night. I felt a strong pressure and was not sure whether it was triggered by the child movements or by my rather light pains in this case. Instead of going to the hospital, I tried to ignore the pain and sleep again! Again she was there, that fear!

On the one hand, I can barely await the birth of my daughter. On the other hand, I am afraid of the uncertainty. How will it be? Am I strong enough at all? Is my body stable enough after three months of labor? I constantly feel the tear! Unfortunately, the ultrasound images now confirm more and more. My symphysis was loosened, and my emperor’s cut-out was also drawn into sympathy. I have just been pregnant again ten months after the birth of my son, who was born with an emperor’s cut. The body probably would have pared well away. Due to the permanent hardening of the abdomen, however, it looks a little different. I have already been pointed out several times that during birth, a so-called symphysis rupture can occur, which might bind me to my bed for several months after birth. There is also a risk of scarring. But hey, what birth is without risks?
All these words scare me. Sometimes it would be nice to live in a time when these investigations could not be done. At the very least, the women with less anxiety have entered into the birth and I think to find a positive birth, you have to work self-determined and relaxed with your own body. Trust yourself.

It is an inner turmoil. After a good night, in more and less painless moments, I feel ready. After a bad night with many contractions, hip pain, symphysis pain, when I barely get out of bed, I do not feel any more ready at all. I feel weak and have the feeling no matter how I give birth to the child, it will not match my expectations.

The biggest mistake I could make was to google it afterwards! True horror stories I have read and yet there are also many people with a pleasant birth experience !? Only about this is much too rarely written! Too bad. Because constructive words would be so improbable for so many women like me now. For this reason I will report here on my blog only from my birth, if this was a positive experience!
Self-determined, self-governing and fear-free!